My reason

Assalammualikum Ammar Hail & Ameer Hail

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Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down.

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I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing.

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I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?

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I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

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Everyday I make mistakes.

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Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do.

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I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

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I miss it when I am tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.

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I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else.

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I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

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I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you.

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Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

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I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind, you are vivacious and fierce.

I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.

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Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

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I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

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I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

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We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

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Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

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Wow.

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On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

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It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

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I love you.

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Love,

Ibu ❤️

Working Mom Guilt ?

Assalammualikum

Hai Hai

YES it's has been a very long longgggg time i didn't write new entry Ha Ha Ha i have been very busy lately that i have no time to write anymore, but this "one" topic i need to get off my chest, FYI if i manage to posted this, EZA just so you know i haven't start my assignment yet, but i manage to write this (priority gone wrong! give me that medal!) hahahahahaha...

The five-month-old baby, who was found dead inside a refrigerator at his caretaker’s home, died due to severe head injuries from blunt force trauma."

Most feedback received from the incident is;

• "this is one of the reasons I do not allow my wife to work"
• "this is why I'm willing to stop working"
• "this is why I do not want anyone else to take care for my child"

All moms live in fear of being labeled a "bad mom." No matter how much we try to strike an air of nonchalance, it's still a knife to the heart when we feel like our parenting abilities are questioned.

I am here not aim to comment further on what has happened.

This is me sending as much love as I have in myself to any mother who feel guilty because of working (FYI i did not sleep well last night due to overthinking about this incident, so i would not want any other mom to feel that guilt).

Dear Working Mother,

You are doing a great job. And your kids will turn out just fine despite the hours you spend away from them. Truly.

Of course you probably don’t always feel that way yourself. If you are like most working moms I know, you may feel like you’re forever coming up short when it comes to doing enough, giving enough and being enough for your kids. Not to mention your boss, your partner, your aging parents and extended family, and yes, of course, your community. (I haven’t even mentioned doing, being, and giving enough for yourself).

Over the course of seven years of marriage I had two healthy children (yes, very blessed, slightly crazy) in between part time studies and career.  Needless to say, it was during that time I became much more acquainted with mother guilt.

Mother guilt is real. You will experience it from time to time regardless if you're a new at working motherhood or not. 

This is my ways to overcome working mom guilt;

Have a conversation with friends, partners, whoever. Talking can help you unpick the feelings and understanding on its own can often lead to a change in behavior.

Look out for the word ‘should’. If you’re saying you ‘should’ do something, ask yourself who’s telling you to do that and why?

Be kind - especially to yourself. Sometimes it’s useful to ask yourself how you might judge someone else for the behaviour you feel bad about.

Move on! Sometimes we can’t undo the things that make us feel guilty. Then it’s a question of learning how to accept that imperfect side of ourselves and live with it. And sometimes guilt can be useful. It’s a powerful motivator for change.

Am i a PERFECT MOM? my answer is a big fat NO, but i tried (hard). 

I include here tips for choosing a good babysitter or child care, from my experience;

• Ask questions that get to the heart of things.
• Look down. When you're visiting a potential site, pay attention to how the staff interacts with the children.
• Drop by and spy. While word-of-mouth referrals from other parents or trusted resources are important, you need to look at a place for yourself to assess whether it meets your needs.
• Keep talking. Until your baby can talk, you will be relying on what the caregiver tells you about your child's day. Make sure you can communicate comfortably with each other.
• Problem-solve pronto. It's inevitable that you'll experience conflicts with your caregiver, both large and small. Address problems right away rather than ignoring them until they grow out of proportion. Some issues can be resolved quickly; others may require more discussion. Whatever the conflict, treat the caregiver in a respectful manner, but don't be afraid to speak up.

No matter what your work hours, you are still your child's essential caregiver - the most consistent source of love and support in her life. Under your care and guidance, along with the help of your well-chosen caregivers, your baby will flourish and grow into a happy, healthy child.

When you can remain calm no matter what test the Almighty puts in your path, it shows that your  faith in Him is unshakable. The peace you display shows that you acknowledge the fact that He is bigger than all your problems put together. You know He won’t let you down!

أَسْتَوْدِعُكَ ٱللَّهَ الَّذِي لَاتَضِيعُ  وَدَا ئِعُهُ

"I place you in the care of God who will never waste what is in His custody"

I pray all of our children who are sent to the caretaker are well cared by loving person.