My reason

Assalammualikum Ammar Hail & Ameer Hail

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Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down.

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I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing.

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I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?

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I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

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Everyday I make mistakes.

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Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do.

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I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

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I miss it when I am tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.

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I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else.

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I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

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I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you.

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Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

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I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind, you are vivacious and fierce.

I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.

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Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

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I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

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I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

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We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

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Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

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Wow.

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On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

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It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

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I love you.

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Love,

Ibu ❤️

Working Mom Guilt ?

Assalammualikum

Hai Hai

YES it's has been a very long longgggg time i didn't write new entry Ha Ha Ha i have been very busy lately that i have no time to write anymore, but this "one" topic i need to get off my chest, FYI if i manage to posted this, EZA just so you know i haven't start my assignment yet, but i manage to write this (priority gone wrong! give me that medal!) hahahahahaha...

The five-month-old baby, who was found dead inside a refrigerator at his caretaker’s home, died due to severe head injuries from blunt force trauma."

Most feedback received from the incident is;

• "this is one of the reasons I do not allow my wife to work"
• "this is why I'm willing to stop working"
• "this is why I do not want anyone else to take care for my child"

All moms live in fear of being labeled a "bad mom." No matter how much we try to strike an air of nonchalance, it's still a knife to the heart when we feel like our parenting abilities are questioned.

I am here not aim to comment further on what has happened.

This is me sending as much love as I have in myself to any mother who feel guilty because of working (FYI i did not sleep well last night due to overthinking about this incident, so i would not want any other mom to feel that guilt).

Dear Working Mother,

You are doing a great job. And your kids will turn out just fine despite the hours you spend away from them. Truly.

Of course you probably don’t always feel that way yourself. If you are like most working moms I know, you may feel like you’re forever coming up short when it comes to doing enough, giving enough and being enough for your kids. Not to mention your boss, your partner, your aging parents and extended family, and yes, of course, your community. (I haven’t even mentioned doing, being, and giving enough for yourself).

Over the course of seven years of marriage I had two healthy children (yes, very blessed, slightly crazy) in between part time studies and career.  Needless to say, it was during that time I became much more acquainted with mother guilt.

Mother guilt is real. You will experience it from time to time regardless if you're a new at working motherhood or not. 

This is my ways to overcome working mom guilt;

Have a conversation with friends, partners, whoever. Talking can help you unpick the feelings and understanding on its own can often lead to a change in behavior.

Look out for the word ‘should’. If you’re saying you ‘should’ do something, ask yourself who’s telling you to do that and why?

Be kind - especially to yourself. Sometimes it’s useful to ask yourself how you might judge someone else for the behaviour you feel bad about.

Move on! Sometimes we can’t undo the things that make us feel guilty. Then it’s a question of learning how to accept that imperfect side of ourselves and live with it. And sometimes guilt can be useful. It’s a powerful motivator for change.

Am i a PERFECT MOM? my answer is a big fat NO, but i tried (hard). 

I include here tips for choosing a good babysitter or child care, from my experience;

• Ask questions that get to the heart of things.
• Look down. When you're visiting a potential site, pay attention to how the staff interacts with the children.
• Drop by and spy. While word-of-mouth referrals from other parents or trusted resources are important, you need to look at a place for yourself to assess whether it meets your needs.
• Keep talking. Until your baby can talk, you will be relying on what the caregiver tells you about your child's day. Make sure you can communicate comfortably with each other.
• Problem-solve pronto. It's inevitable that you'll experience conflicts with your caregiver, both large and small. Address problems right away rather than ignoring them until they grow out of proportion. Some issues can be resolved quickly; others may require more discussion. Whatever the conflict, treat the caregiver in a respectful manner, but don't be afraid to speak up.

No matter what your work hours, you are still your child's essential caregiver - the most consistent source of love and support in her life. Under your care and guidance, along with the help of your well-chosen caregivers, your baby will flourish and grow into a happy, healthy child.

When you can remain calm no matter what test the Almighty puts in your path, it shows that your  faith in Him is unshakable. The peace you display shows that you acknowledge the fact that He is bigger than all your problems put together. You know He won’t let you down!

أَسْتَوْدِعُكَ ٱللَّهَ الَّذِي لَاتَضِيعُ  وَدَا ئِعُهُ

"I place you in the care of God who will never waste what is in His custody"

I pray all of our children who are sent to the caretaker are well cared by loving person. 

The LOVE of my life.

..Assalamualikum..

Hai! Hai!

I wasn’t going to write this post. I wasn’t going to write it because it’s about a topic that I’ve found so hard to write about that I’ve avoided writing.

I also wasn’t going to write it because only a few of you indicated that you wanted to read sweet stories about my husband. I get it. If you are in a bad place, the last thing you want to read is a story about someone in a good place.

But you know what? I’m going to tell the story anyway.

I am because I told this story to a good friend earlier this week and her reaction was, “Aww.” She didn’t say, “Really? With everything going on in my life you have to go and tell me about your husband being sweet.”

No, she rather enjoyed it.

So for those of you who would rather I only write about the times my husband screws up and causes me to plan every detail of his funeral: stop reading!

On April 16th 2011 I married the man of my dreams and everyday I fall more and more in love with him. I always thought when people said this they were just pretending but now I realize it is possible to love someone more and more everyday.

Even tho he can be shut off and a jerk sometimes, something about him still drives me crazy and makes me love him even more. I appreciate all he does for us and when things are going good he makes feel complete. We been married 3 year and 10 months.

Although we have our downs -"and if you can read my stories" you will see that- I love my husband so much.

So for anyone who has never been hurt by your husband, you are lying to yourself and if you say you have never hurt them, you are also lying to yourself.

No one is perfect and usually the person you love the most, can and sometimes will hurt you the most. We all made mistake. We cannot take that away here on earth. no matter what we are always tempted by the worst things. We all strive to be great people, great friends, great siblings, great spouses, great parents but no matter what we will fail at some point but being able to recognize it and move on is a great thing. We all want to live to our fullest and holding grudges on those we love, who have hurt us the most really keeps us from doing that. 

So today I am starting fresh. Seeing my husband as a perfectly imperfect person. None of us deserve the life we get in this world. We all make mistake, rather great or small, or somewhere in between so why not forgive and keep on forgiving, as undeserving as some of us may think it is, you could hurt someone just the same regardless of what you think.. And life is to short to hold a grudge and having bitterness in our life. I don't want another day to go by, knowing I did not love my husband fully because of my anger and grudge of something I have no control over. He may not deserve my love, but neither do I deserve his. We are still learning more and more about life and out marriage daily. that does not come without some hurt and bumps in the road!

This man is the love of my life, my lover, my protector, my defender, my hero. He has made me feel beautiful on my ugliest days, smart on my dumbest days, encouraged on my most hopeless days. He has loved me selflessly when I was my most selfish. He has remained mature when I was at my most childish. He has taken out trash and, rocked me in his arms when I was scared or sad. He has decorated my life with warmth, smiles, laughter, and optimism. He has been a devoted, unconditional, attentive, fun loving father.

Never even once he fail to say 'i love you' everyday.

whats not to love?

he is my sweetheart, how can i expect him to be perfect when i don't even close to perfectness?

yeah.. yeah.. sometimes we argue about all the things, well that what marriage all about..

as long as we love each other i think we will gonna be just fine..

pray for my happiness & my marriage okay? thnks.. 

lots of love

_the wife_

An open Letter to my son ♥ Muhammad Ammar Hail ♥ [PART 1]

♥ Assalamualaikum ♥

hai, everyone. i hope we all start our day with grateful heart ♥

My TRUE TALE for today is a bit unique. It involves me writing a letter to my son, and i hope someday he will read it.

Inspired mostly by the fact that I am tired of encountering people who act like they know more than everyone else, like they are worth more than everyone else and like everyone else should feel lucky to be in their presence, I'm sharing a letter that I wrote to my son on the kind of men I expect them to be.

Assalamualaikum Muhammad Ammar Hail,

     I may not have been a perfect mom, but I tried to be. I may not have disciplined you enough, or maybe I disciplined you too much. I don’t really know. I fed you and bathed you and clothed you. I bought you toys. I sang to you, read to you, taught you. You were my boy, my precious, baby boy. I got up with you. I stroked your forehead and hair when you were sick. I knew you were not feeling well, because you let me do these things. You were never very cuddly. I keep you warm. I stared at you for days, after you were born. I didn’t want to miss anything. I adored you. I kept you safe. I kept you clean. I soothed you when you cried. I let you stay up late and watch TV.


Do you know that you mean the world to me? I loved you from the moment I felt you inside my belly, flailing your tiny arms.

     I was watching you play last night with your Abah and I couldn't help  it.. all I could do was stare at you. You both bounced from one thing to the next with such purpose and at the same time with no care in the world. You made each other laugh, you watched TV, you snuggled on the couch with Abah. You ran in circles. You gave me hugs, you asked me something (Ammar, I can't understand all of your words yet.. but I'm certain you were saying something..).

     All I wanted to do was figure out how to keep you small, to keep you laughing, to keep you as free as you were.. and as you usually are. But, despite my best efforts, I can't do any of that.  

     I cannot stop you from growing up. I cannot promise you that your feelings won't get hurt, that your heart won't get broken, that you won't feel defeated and that you won't get knocked down a few times every now and then. I have spent a lot of time lately feeling totally defeated.. but that is because I have not been able to spend a lot of time with you.

     You, and your love for the world made me feel better. And while I can't do for your life what you do for mine, I can give you some words of wisdom that will hopefully help you be able to channel that inner happy that you so easily have right now. 

     Here, my little man, are some things I want you to know, some things I want you to do, and some feelings I want you to never forget..


     It's the only way I know how to help you remain in touch with the truly happy little beings we all get to start out as..

     You are going to come across people who only know how to knock you down. They may do so with lies or they may do it with ignorance.. or it may be a little bit of both. Be better than them. Do not let them make you question your worth, discount your efforts or flat out give up. Take credit when you deserve it, give credit when someone else deserves it and (very importantly) give credit to yourself when you deserve it. It's ok to think you are awesome.

     It's important that people can trust you. It takes lots of time to earn it and seconds to lose it.. and it is tough to gain that trust back. You are going to make mistakes. Some will be small and some will be jolting. Own them. Own them inwardly and outwardly. Become better for them. People will believe your achievements when they know you've owned your failures.

     Some days you will be able to do this better than others. And while I would like to say that I never went to bed angry, that has not been the case. Just don't hang on too long to things that are bothering you. If you aren't going to change them or if it is something you can't fix.. take a wudu' sit on your prayer mat, make a dua' to the almighty Allah SWT, take a deep breath and let it go. 

     If you are in a position of power, walk even more carefully than when you were at the bottom. Don't be the bully.. Do not make others feel less important than you. Do not demean others to make yourself feel better. You are better than that now and I expect you to remain that way.

     I'm not saying you have to love every minute of what you do. I'm saying if you find something, anything, whether it be a career or something you do on your own time, do something that makes you feel full..

     Say you are sorry when it is necessary.. And please, please, please.. do not always follow the "I'm sorry" with a "but.." Sometimes you just need to be sorry. 

     Be grateful. Tell people that you are. Say thank you for things, say thank you for words and say thank you for people. You need people. Thank to Allah SWT for every breath "he" gives you..

     You will say "I love you" more times than you will even realize.. And while it is an amazing thing to be surrounded by people to say that to, it is even more amazing to slow down and think about how awesome it truly is.

     Life is scary. Dreams are scary. Chances are scary. The dark is scary. Whatever the obstacle.. be brave. I don't believe the whole "good things comes easy" thing, but I do believe that some really awesome things are also just outside of your comfort zone. Go there. 

     You are not the person next to you, and what they have is not always better. Please do not compare your average day to other peoples' exceptional ones. They have average days too. You will never enjoy what you have if you are forever comparing yourself to someone who has more. It's ok to want more.. but want it for you, not because you want to be them.

     Pay bills on time and pay them always. Splurge after your bills are paid. You should feel guilty if you buy something before your bills are paid and your family is taken care of.

     You cannot do it alone, and the more you try, the more bitter you become. Ask for help. You need it and you, your co-workers and your family will be better because of it.

     Don't let job ruin your spirit or your soul. Work is work.. not life. It will drag you down, and it is your responsibility to not let that last too long.. And remember those people I told you to thank? Lean on them to remind you that you need to get up off of the ground, that you are better than this and that life outside of your job is what you are even doing this for in the first place. (Thank them).

     Do not use threats. I hope that goes without saying, but in case it doesn't.. threats won't get you anywhere worth going. There are ways to motivate and to get what you want out of the people in your life. Threats are not that way.

     Understand the power of your words. Your loving mother wants you to always know how much power you have if you have the ability to use your words wisely. 

     Actions can speak louder than words, and they usually do. It's cliche. And true.

     Be sympathetic. Be empathetic. Know the difference. Feel sorry for someone. Feel bad for someone. Feel angry for someone. Feel with someone. Sometimes you just need to listen and sometimes you need to relate. It is important to your relationships and friendships that you learn when each of these is appropriate. 

     Remember where you came from. Wherever you are, you worked to get there. Someone else is journeying down that path behind you. Never forget that you were once there too.

     See the good and be OK that it's not all always good. Whether it's a nice day outside or you just got a huge bonus. There is something good in every day. There are awful awful days, and there is something good somewhere in them. You don't have to find the good for a day or two, but don't spend too long turning a blind eye to it. You actually have to let the good back in, or you are in trouble.

     Understand the worth of folding laundry, washing dishes and knowing where the shoe closet is. Ask your dad. Ask your mom. Ask your wife. So many problems can be avoided by attention to these matters.

     Know how important it is to offer help to others. Don't push. But don't assume that everyone knows how to ask for help. Offer it up. People will be grateful. 

     Give a compliment and take a compliment. I'm bad at them both. It's not an attractive quality.


     Know how much I love you. I'm not sure you will possibly know until you have a little one of your own, but someday you will understand the true depth of my love for you.

     MOST IMPORTANT be a good muslim, let the Al-Quran be your life guidelines, NEVER EVER give up faith in Allah. be a good imam to your wife. be a good father to your children. 

"When a son of Adam passes away, he is cut off from his deeds except for three things: a current or perpetual charity, good knowledge that benefits someone, and a good child who makes dua' (supplication) for him."

It’s hard to summarize all of the lessons, all of the ideas, all of the thoughts that I might want to pass on. Life is short, and the years fly by. The sooner we find our groove, the nicer it is for each of us.

I love you, more than you can know now. By the time you do know, you’ll have your own lessons to teach.


Love,
IBU 

Life balance as wife, mother, employee and student.

Assalamualikum 
Haloo.. Haluu.. heloo..!

Yes, I know it's been a long long time i didn't update anything here. T_T

As a wife, mother, employee, and student at OUM, life can be very difficult.
Many times in person, I have been asked how I do it all.
The answer is simple: I schedule everything and write everything down. I have to or I will loose track of everything. I have two simple rules that maintain balance in my life and my family’s.

1. No studying until my son go to sleep.
2. Spend one full day with my family.

Those are my very simple guidelines. Without them my life would be a mess and everyone in it would be miserable. It is all based on my priorities. My family always comes first. My education comes second. My work comes third. My hobby (blogging of course) come last.

I am going constantly and I have times when I just can’t go anymore. Then I put myself first. I take a day off, sleeping, or go out with my family. Even if it is just for an hour, we all need time for ourselves. It just isn’t healthy not to. I focus on my family and work during the week and work on schoolwork all weekend. I have become the time management queen! Life sounds hectic but I am still one of the calmest and laid back people you may ever meet. I have yet to find much that will upset me or stress me out because I know things always find a way to work out. I have always felt there is a solution to everything and won’t quit until I find one.

Another important key is to stay healthy. Staying healthy helps maintain a healthy mental state. I also try to think positive at all times. I like to keep everyone around me enthusiastic and happy. I love people and am very happy surrounded by my family, friends, and co-workers. All of these simple things get me through each and every day. Sometimes it is hard but I just stay strong and keep my priorities straight.

WHY I CONTINUE MY STUDIES?

Because, slowly but surely, I’m getting the hit.

The wake-up call.

The persistent voice that keeps reminding me that “other” people’s problems are no longer “other” people’s problems.

And once you “get it”, believe me, you don’t think the way you did before.

You don’t act the way you did before.

Most of all, you’re not waiting to become your perfectly-actualized self to step up.

You’re just sick and tired of worshiping the problem and ready to be part of the solution.

Sometimes it takes this outrage to remind us that we not only have a choice in whether to play deep or shallow in life, but that life tends to reciprocate by giving us deep or shallow experiences in return.

So I’m putting it out there that, yes, I’m ready to play deeper.

Muhammad Ammar Hail 2nd birthday today ^_^

Assalamualaikum

Hi All

TODAY is Muhammad Ammar Hail 2nd birthday! Yeyyy!!

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Happy Birthday to my sweet little man who turns 2 today! My life completely changed forever the moment he took his first breath and now he is an energetic 2 year old boy. Time flies so fast.

Ask any woman to describe the single most painful experience of her life and most mothers won't hesitate to say 'childbirth'.

YES! Childbirth! but It is kind of strange that i do forget the actual pain giving birth to my son. My labor and delivery was easy, only a total of about 5 hours. Muhammad Ammar Hail came out screaming. a healthy cry. I was overjoyed. Alhamdulillah.

being a mother changes everything. I truly have that person that i love so much more than myself.

I cant believe my baby turns 2 today it seems like yesterday i was just holding him in my arms and he was just a little guy..

I miss him being my baby boy........